The ‘relaunch’ of the Democratic Alliance was never going to be a hot affair. But I was being paid to shoot it, so did what one has to do in the interests of fending off the end of capitalism as we know.

When I saw the carefully decorated and lit stage, I turned to a colleague and muttered, I bet you they will do an Obama, and he responded with something about We Can.

First we were treated to the slick audiovisual presentation of SA heroes (mainly sporting) and unknowns, with faux shaky hand-held beginnings to each interview to convince us it was real.  Then we had to suffer through eight, yes 8, speeches about what various South African DA luminaries wanted … not that any one of them could put the prepared speech down and orate. God no, that would be too edgy.

And surely just to deliver the coup de grace to my tolerance, they then had the longest and most nauseating audio visual presentation. It began with the 1994 Rainbow Nation dream, then it’s demise (at the hands of the ANC, I presume). Finally, they had to introduce the demise section with appallingly loud gunshots and ambulance sirens. To calm us, it all ended on the heart-wrenching aspirations that only the DA could deliver. I tell you, doll, I could just plutz.

Then the Zille came on stage. After a warm response, she gave a pretty ordinary speech in which she could not resist using the We Can refrain.  She did seem a little uncomfortable with it, to her credit. But the crowd went wild, especially when she and the DA brass all linked arms in a We Are The World fashion. Next she pulled her little nephews onto stage, and then had a genuinely touching moment holding her elderly mother’s face in her hands.  Finally, black (sorry to specify race, but the new DA is all about going after the Black Vote, so its relevant) supporters flooded onto stage and danced wildly with Mama Zille.

It was the DA trying to become a party that might be comfortable for black voters. One hates to think petty thoughts like ‘rent-a-crowd,’ but there was little in the relaunch to suggest anything had been left to chance.

To her cred, Mama Zille has been learning Xhosa, and does a pretty good tannie toyi-toyi. Unlike some others on the stage – check out the pic with the skinny white chick in pale suit and the sari-clad Indian auntie. Watching the two of them kind of exchange glances that said no way will you get me doing that……

Anyway, as the Zille made her way through the crowd, I got caught up with two middle-aged white women. Both were holding their little salmon sandwiches near their faces and out of the crush, and the one said to the other “I got right up close to her, but I just couldn’t reach her!”

I am sure the nattily dressed Zille is ever grateful.